More on love-oh what a tremendous word. The meaning, the power, the feelings associated with it, the confusion that all goes with that word. I am a girl that has used that word somewhat frequently..before I really figured out what/who I actually loved and what real love actually feels like. I mean who knows..I'm 24. My thoughts on love could change in ten years. After tumultuous relationships, one becomes hardened to love-at least I feel that way. I am in love, I am loved, I am loving, and I love. This doesn't mean that certain things about love don't scare me, or certain things don't worry me. In my life right now--the terms boyfriend and girlfriend scare the hell out of me. The idea of being engaged or married makes me feel tied down. The feeling of being tied down makes me want to run far far away. Ok a little explanation..because of previous relationships the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" just lack meaning for me. I feel it's a way to show possessiveness and insecurity. "Oh this is my girlfriend" (Dude quit checking her out) "Hi this is my boyfriend" (Boyfriend replaces identity and name??) If a guy is checking me out-first of all I'm sure he realizes that guy standing next to me is with me. Second of all, are people afraid that if you don't mark your territory it will leave?? Don't you trust each other? For two years, my name was GIRLFRIEND. For four months, my name was FIANCEE. For two more years, I though I was a girlfriend--but I was known (of course I didn't know this) as a lesbian roommate. So yes--understandably this is a case of someone who was insecure and someone who obviously didn't care about me--but I don't ever want it to happen again. I'm sure blocking the whole idea out isn't the best thing to do, and maybe one day I will change--but for now, I know who I love- I trust who I love- and I don't need the label to know who I will be sleeping with/going home with.
Now let's address the tied down subject because it could definitely be taken the wrong way. I am completely, 100% interested in being with one person. A person that makes me incredibly happy, a person that I can tell anything to and pray they don't get mad (generally they don't because honesty is the best policy ;-) ), and a person that knows everything about me--and actually still loves me. (WOW!) The difference in this and being tied down is that there is no pressure to be married or engaged or anything like that. It is known/understood that happiness outweighs pressures of the traditional world. I don't want to be pressured or made to feel like marriage is pertinent to a relationship. Thirty is supposed to be the new twenty...so no pressure because that would mean twenties are like the new teenage years. :-) Maybe I am just contradicting myself here...just don't tell me I'm tied down. I'm free like a bird...in a cage..a bird in a cage with an open door--I just have no interest in flying out the door when the food is sooooo good. :-)
Last subject of the night--I don't want to become the jealous girl, or the needy girl, or the nagging girl--ever. I have trust, I am more want-y than needy, and I don't nag-I just care a lot. This being said..I still have days filled with worries. What if I'm not satisfying? How can I be perfect? What if someone's better? So when you know you've tried your hardest..at the end of the day..all you can say is I am perfect, I am satisfying, and no one is better than me. ;-)
The question of the night: Can things last, and can happiness remain without total, traditional commitment? For me..there are two choices. Give in to commitment, go for it, and pray things don't get stupid messy and I lose my best friend. Or the answer is yes..it can work and in time things may change but there is no pressure-and I get to keep my best friend.
Time will tell.
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