Midnight Ramblings

I sit here, alone..in the living room on "my couch". My mind is racing with thoughts. I can't sleep, and generally when I can't sleep I choose to gorge myself with horrible food. I got up and made myself some hot tea, the sound of "Family Man" is quietly playing in the background. I am a strong-willed woman and turned down the horrible food..opted for a nice carrot instead. The hot tea will warm my belly and ease my racing mind.

I have chosen to make a few non- New Year's resolutions. I started yesterday actually. There is no need to wait until January 1 to make changes. These resolutions are:

-Eat Healthy (be a vegetarian again-because it makes me happy, not because it's a fun fad)

-Drink plenty of water (I have a diet coke addiction)

-Take care of myself (Most mothers tend to put themselves last-which explains why I never got around to taking a shower today ;-) )

-And last...but most important..Love fully. This includes my son, my family, myself, my friends, and anyone else that crosses my path.

These non- New Year's resolutions go along with something else in my life...my non-boyfriend, best friend. I've grown cold in the past few years- cold to love and openness, and prepared for hurt and pain. Trying to get my life together..although I wouldn't call it a mess..just a bumpy road. Lately I have been losing faith in doing the right things. Once again, being strong-willed, I continue to tell myself to stay positive- always do the right thing. I feel like I always do the right thing, make the right choices, say the right things. I have always been the pleasing type-since young childhood. I play nice to people I don't exactly care for, just because I know its the right thing to do. Pasting a smile on my face and pretending the past is unimportant.

A few things I have learned in 2009-

-naivety can be taken as stupidity

-ask advice from friends or non-boyfriends before doing/saying things you are uncertain about

-know what you want before saying "I will"

-always be 120% honest..especially when its the hardest thing to do

-the safe bet isn't always the best bet

-history repeats itself..unless you're willing to change it

I have a wonderful life. I am a peacekeeper. I am loved. I am happy.

...and I am welcoming the New Year. Happy almost 2010!

Love Game

She loves with all of her heart,
then abruptly takes it away.
Maybe it’s just a little game
that she likes to play.
She catches them with her eye
latches on like a snake.
Teaches them a lesson-
a lesson of love
a lesson of life
a rule of the game
And then she let’s go
“It’s time for you to fly.”
Always running back,
to the one that caught her eye.

My Story: Edited

I am number three;
three of four to be exact.
The story goes like this:
I was broken-hearted,
trying to heal.
He made me laugh
and in time I could even feel.
I got too close,
things went too far.
Baby was born,
life was planned.
But love for him,
was something else.
I did the right thing,
but now I pay.
I pay for what I did
every single day.
I want him gone,
erased from our life-
but for now I deal,
I cope,
and I continue
to do the right thing.
One day the time will be right.
The time to explain
to my pride and joy.
But for now I smile
and play nice.
Because in time:
He will pay.

Don't Go Away

A little bit of debt,
and a lot of baggage.
But you have always,
always been there for me.

On the sidelines,
I call you to bat-
but only when
the time is right.

I never understood
the connection between us.
Not until now.
Not until these feelings overcame me.

I always knew the love was there.
I never knew it was to stay.
And now-
here I am scared to death—
that one day it will go away.

The lessons we have learned,
will benefit us greatly.
They are lessons
that some people never learn,
or they learn too late.

Squeeze too tight,
hold on too loosely.
Push too much,
Pull too hard.

Your imperfections, to me,
are perfection.
Everything you do is right.
Our arguments-
well they never escalate.
We are both passionate,
about our own beliefs.
But rational conversations,
and we see both sides.

I am always learning
always loving
always challenged
always laughing.

Squeeze too tight,
hold on too loosely.
Push too much,
Pull too hard.

I want to be everything-
you want, you need.
I want your trust
and your honesty.
I want your heart
and your love for only me.
For as long as you will let me-
And as whatever we want it to be.

Perfection

I want to find love.
The kind that sweeps you off your feet-
the kind that lasts forever
I want to find the guy
that feels complete
with only me around.
I don’t want to be the last resort
or the convenient choice.
I want to be the only choice.
The only option
The perfect fit.

I want to find love.
The kind that takes your breath away.
Each day.
The kind you only see in movies.
I want to find the guy
that lets nothing stand in the way
nothing will be greater than our love.
I don’t want to settle.
I will search forever.
I want to be the perfect choice.
The only possibility.
The ultimate fit.

I will find love.
I will find that person.
That can’t start his day without a kiss
and a simple good morning.
That can’t sleep without hearing my voice
one last time before closing his eyes.
Our bodies will fit together
like two puzzle pieces.
And it will be the right choice.
The only choice.
The perfect love.

I Need.

I am on my knees
begging for you to see—
to see what I see.
something so beautiful
something so real.
It is something so scary
and something we may not be ready for.
But it is something that takes guts.
Its a jump
that could end in a fall
Its a leap
that requires faith
Its a hurdle
that only love can overcome.
And its a chance
I am willing to take.

I am on my knees
begging for you to talk—
to say what I want to hear
or something I may not.
To express yourself
deep down from the heart
To let me in
To ask me questions.
But it is something that requires trust.
I need honesty
I need openness
I don’t need the answers
but I need the trust.

Once

You and I
well we are nothing
You can’t be what I want
and I will never be what you want
So why is it so hard
to admit to one another
that you and I
well we are nothing.
Once before
well we were something
and once before
I had faith
But as time goes on
I lose faith
and as time goes on
I grow cold.
I have the answers
but you aren’t ready
I know the truths
but you can’t do it.
but once before
well we were something.

This Boy

I am in love with a boy
that is too scared to love me back.
I am in love with a boy
that is too blind to see before his eyes.
I am in love with a boy
that I have a history with.
I am in love with a boy
that I want to see the future with.
I am in love with a boy
that stands by my side.
I am in love with a boy
that makes me cry.
I am in love with a boy
that always makes me smile.
I will keep my faith
because this boy I love
wants to love me too.
This boy I love wants to see it through.
This boy I love knows it is true.
This boy I love will hopefully see.
Dear boy I love,
It is you and me.

This Girl

Stupid girl
that thinks it will change
Stupid girl
that believes in happy endings
Stupid girl
that thinks it could be real.

Smart girl
learns to let go
Smart girl
knows it is time to be free
Smart girl
will always be ok.

Hurt girl
cries alone at night
Hurt girl
won’t put up with lies
Hurt girl
will never know why.

Happy girl
will always have a reason to smile
Happy girl
knows things will get better
Happy girl
knows she will be ok.

Maybe

Maybe this is it--
Maybe its unrealistic
A fantasy
that we have enjoyed.

Maybe the timing--
will never be right.
Maybe it is a jump
we will never be ready to take.

Maybe we should part ways
Maybe we should stay
But the love--
Well it will never go away.

Maybe we are just searching--
for the obvious
Maybe we know the answers
Maybe we need to do what's right.

Maybe we must find--
what we truly want.
But maybe you already know.
Maybe you need to express this.

Maybe I will never be more,
maybe I will never be enough.
Maybe you will always be looking;
looking for something more than me.

It is the maybe that scares me
the maybe that makes me crazy
the maybe that makes me unsure.
But maybe.

Yes, You!

Hey mister-
yeah you
The one that looks at me-
with those gorgeous eyes.
Yes, you!
The one that smiles like that.

Hey you-
yes you
the one that knows how to touch my hand
ever so slightly and give me warmth
Yes, you!
The one with the perfect touch.

Hey friend-
yes you
the one that listens to me talk-
even when I’m angry.
Yes, you!
Calming me down with just a few words.

Hi love-
you know its you.
the one that can break my heart
and make me melt-all in a single day.
Yes-its you.
And you know it is too.

I may be replaceable in the future
and you may find someone else.
But hey you-
Its me.
And it will always be.

Define Me

Why must we always define

Let's just be.

Be nothing, Be something.

Who knows-

Who cares?

Why must there always

be something after the period.

Just let it be.

Defining gets messy.

More words-

means more room for error.

Leave it alone and

we will call it good.

I want to be me-

not we.

I want to be I-

not us.

I want to define myself

because I am me-

without you.

And I want to find-

myself within me.

Now

Hold on
Wait a second
I will get back to you.
You are the only one I want to talk with,
I just cannot talk now.
I love you so much,
I just cannot love you now.
I want to spend time with you,
I just cannot give you time now.
I know you are having problems,
but I still cannot give you now.
There is only one now
and I gave it to her.
You will always be there for me-
You will always wait.

-until one day-

the one you love

is too tired to continue to wait.

But for now I hold onto

hoping that one day

you will come back to me

-you will give me now.

One day.

Shiver

That girl, this girl.
Never The Girl.
Always coming around
and causing trouble.
Leave him alone,
Let him be happy.
My stomach turns,
I feel sick.
You've become a drug,
My current addiction.
Always wanting more,
To feel that feeling again.
I get what I want,
let us do it again.
Because once I leave
the feeling will fade.
More and More
Before I lose all control.
I shiver
I shake
Ecstasy.
The feeling overcomes me.
When will I feel it again?

The Morning Of

The door is cracked
I walk right through
Lock it back,
This is not new.
Through the clutter
I make my path.
Second door on the left
Say Hello to the puppy
let him out
close the door.
Lie down next to you--
It feels so right.
I want to breathe you in
Hold you close
Hold you tight.
The happiness overcomes
the guilt we feel.
Let go of reality
and enter the unreal.

What I Meant to Say

She smells of cigarettes
and Victoria's Secret perfume.
A pretty girl--
Just misunderstood.
A little crazy at times
But she always means good.
She just never knows
what she wants.

She fears all relationships
Friendships too.
She just wants you to be there
Doesn't want you,
But doesn't want her
To have you.

She's scared to lose you--
But doesn't want her feelings to get in the way.
She loves what she has
But right now she fears it might be
Taken away.

She doesn't understand
why you can't be content
with what you have.
You are always out
looking
for something more.


So she wants you
To know
That she's there
No matter what--
and to please not leave
no matter who comes
around.

You keep her sane
and you understand
her.
Just please don't leave yet--
She still needs you here.
Your friendship
She endears.

I Am Ready

I'm ready
To meet someone amazing.
I've matured enough,
I know I'm ready.

Make me happy,
Let me trust you
with all of my secrets.
I want to wake up next to you
every day.

Kiss me in the mornings.
Love every moment you
have with me.
Come to me,
because I know now that
I'm ready.

Wake me up with
a smile on your face.
Whenever you are ready
I'm here.
Waiting for
you.
Because today,
Just now.
I realize that I am
Ready.

Letting Go

There is an ending
To every beginning,
A time when the middle
is all just a memory.

There is always a time
when you finally realize
That pulling away is best.
You realize
Its time to let go.

There's always something
that clicks in your head,
like a warning sign.
Its time to go.

Your love is taken
advantage of.
There's no more time
to waste.
Its time to move on--
Time to let go.

They say the truth hurts.
They say no one is
worth your tears.
But they still fall,
one by one
down your face
as you realize you fell.

You are a disgrace.
Your feelings were never
spoken.
They went unsaid.
They were written across
your face.

They sparkled in your eyes
when that person was around.
But now its time--
Time to let go.

Once again broken down
with only hope
that next time it will be a little
better.
Naked and alone.
You learn to fake "ok".
Time will always heal,
but for now only pain.
Desperately wanting
to feel that happiness again.

He.

He's amazing...
He may be cocky, but thats why we love him
He loves to eat...mmm lots of meat.
Plain..meat and cheese...he doesn't need the other bullshit.
He sleeps on his right side...facing the left..
cuddling with pillows.
Tuck him in...he likes being taken care of..
Keep your hair out of his face...it tickles.
When he's in one of his moods, be silent..
but let him know you're there.
Scratch his back and don't breathe on his neck.
Melon gatorade and Amp TallBoys....
The superman drink...but only if you get the magnet.
A half gallon of chocolate milk...no really..don't come back with the pint.
The Meatwad show and lots of Family Guy..
Iron Chef and Pee Wee Herman..
Connect the dots..lalala
That smile...the one when his eyes seem so alive...
It can only make you smile back.
Honesty...don't ever lie.
Drama free...he won't put up with it..
I know all of these things...and many more..
One word for sure...
Amazing.

What Lies Ahead

As I lay here in bed,
not knowing what lies ahead
Wearing your old t-shirt
Knowing that I'm not ready to let go.
I want you to hold me,
tell me everything will be ok.

I'm bracing myself for the worst
but praying for something better.
My body is numb
I'm broken down
So vulnerable.

Its time for you to take command,
everything lies in your hand.
You're holding my heart
so tight
as it breaks apart.
Hold it close or let it go.

I just want to know-
what lies ahead.
I just want to know-
whats going on in your head.

I just need to know-
what lies ahead.
I just need to know-
good or bad.

♥

Enough

When is enough too much..
And too much enough?
Fine lines blurred into confusion.
Feelings out of control.
Thoughts like whirlwinds.
Words don't flow through the mouth.
Anger builds up.
Frustration overflows.
Volcano erupts.

Never been good with emotion
Never shown feelings
Never expressed thoughts
Build up inside me
Confuse me more
Frustrate me more
Love me more.
Somedays I attempt to explain
but others I'd rather not.
I'd prefer to fake a smile
and change the subject.
Dodge the questions.
Kiss me and shut up.
I will never say what you want.
Don't wait for the right words to come from these lips,
These lips you love to kiss.
What are you waiting for?
Quit asking me to explain.
It won't happen.
I'm a mess,
I'm a wreck.
I'm an open book,
I'm a lost cause.
I'm crazy, I'm sane.
Read my expressions, they'll tell more than my mouth.
Analyze my smile, my eyes.
Know my gestures, know my laughs.
Know my touch, know my kiss.
Because that's how I express.
Words don't do me justice.
Words get mispronounced,
misunderstood, mistaken,
misquoted, misread.
You can lie with your mouth,
but not your eyes.

Read me.

Life and Love

L♥ve

Life is beautiful,
Life is tragic-
Life is scary,
Life is fragile.
Life can be taken-
Life is given.
Life = L♥ve.
Love knows no boundaries.
Love is amazing.
You can see it, feel it,
touch it, almost smell it.
Even taste it.
Do we love to live
or
Live to love?
We take it for granted
until it puts us in check.
But then do we change?
No.
We are indestructible
and immortal.
Or so we think.
Why does it take a
TRAGEDY
for us to
APPRECIATE?!
Will we ever change
Or will we self-destruct?

White Lies

It's about you.
Everything.
Does it even
pertain
to you?
Does it even
matter
to you?
Imagination must
run wild
because I don't see it.
Look beyond yourself.
-Be more observant-
It's right in front
of your eyes.
So quit telling your
own little lies.

♥

The Little Things

Its the little things
that get me thinking,
that get my mind racing,
that bring back the pain--
I try to smother it.

Its the little things
brushing my teeth alone,
laying in bed alone,
I turn off my own light now-
I roll over and no one's there
I wake up and no one's there.

The little things like when he
would cover up Phoenix at night
and make sure everything was alright.
Lock the door
Check the temperature
Get my blanket for me.
Set the alarm that never woke me up.

Every morning-
roll over and tell me it was 10:00 am.
Jes-aren't you going to shower?
Pick your shoes up, there's 5 pairs in here.
What have you eaten today?
You're grounded.
Three kisses every morning,
and three at night.
I love you and goodnight.

Its not that I want him there-
or that I can't cope on my own.
Its just those little things
that bring on the tears.
That bring back the pain.
That make me hurt.

Its only at night-
when it gets so hard.
And in the morning,
when I wake up and he's not there-
I will remember why
and tell myself Good job.
You're finally free-
I can finally be me.

And each day a little stronger
I will grow.
And each day the pain will
go away a little more.
And soon I will heal-
but for now
the little things get me
everytime.

♥

One Simple Kiss

Is it love or is it lust?
My heart I do not trust.
The kisses and the butterflies,
and the way you look into my eyes.
You reach for my hand
and caress my hair.
I bare my soul for you.
It is right there.
I smile and giggle and laugh
like a child.
I can't remember the last time I felt this way,
Its has been awhile.
I shake and I shudder.
You call it complete bliss,
but how does all of this come from
one simple Kiss.
♥

The Best Friend

You ask me how I feel
I tell you everything inside
I feel like an idiot
because you can’t reciprocate
I get blown off
She comes over
Hey babe-talk to ya later
Who’s important now
Its not me
So tell me straight
Quit stepping around my feelings
the more you hold back
the more it hurts
Just break my heart
the way you did before
You know exactly what to do
I know you remember
Come on break it
Let me go, Let me let go
Get out of here.
Run away.
You know you want to
The sad thing is that its not her
But it will never be me
Will it?
The way you make me feel
The emotions, they overcome me
I’m no longer in control
I’ve lost control
You’re holding the reins
Drop them and get out of here
Tell her everythings ok
the girl you don’t like-
well she’s gone now
I left her in the cold.
I broke her heart.
I knew exactly what to do.
I can do it in the dark.

♥