Midnight Ramblings

I sit here, alone..in the living room on "my couch". My mind is racing with thoughts. I can't sleep, and generally when I can't sleep I choose to gorge myself with horrible food. I got up and made myself some hot tea, the sound of "Family Man" is quietly playing in the background. I am a strong-willed woman and turned down the horrible food..opted for a nice carrot instead. The hot tea will warm my belly and ease my racing mind.

I have chosen to make a few non- New Year's resolutions. I started yesterday actually. There is no need to wait until January 1 to make changes. These resolutions are:

-Eat Healthy (be a vegetarian again-because it makes me happy, not because it's a fun fad)

-Drink plenty of water (I have a diet coke addiction)

-Take care of myself (Most mothers tend to put themselves last-which explains why I never got around to taking a shower today ;-) )

-And last...but most important..Love fully. This includes my son, my family, myself, my friends, and anyone else that crosses my path.

These non- New Year's resolutions go along with something else in my life...my non-boyfriend, best friend. I've grown cold in the past few years- cold to love and openness, and prepared for hurt and pain. Trying to get my life together..although I wouldn't call it a mess..just a bumpy road. Lately I have been losing faith in doing the right things. Once again, being strong-willed, I continue to tell myself to stay positive- always do the right thing. I feel like I always do the right thing, make the right choices, say the right things. I have always been the pleasing type-since young childhood. I play nice to people I don't exactly care for, just because I know its the right thing to do. Pasting a smile on my face and pretending the past is unimportant.

A few things I have learned in 2009-

-naivety can be taken as stupidity

-ask advice from friends or non-boyfriends before doing/saying things you are uncertain about

-know what you want before saying "I will"

-always be 120% honest..especially when its the hardest thing to do

-the safe bet isn't always the best bet

-history repeats itself..unless you're willing to change it

I have a wonderful life. I am a peacekeeper. I am loved. I am happy.

...and I am welcoming the New Year. Happy almost 2010!

Love Game

She loves with all of her heart,
then abruptly takes it away.
Maybe it’s just a little game
that she likes to play.
She catches them with her eye
latches on like a snake.
Teaches them a lesson-
a lesson of love
a lesson of life
a rule of the game
And then she let’s go
“It’s time for you to fly.”
Always running back,
to the one that caught her eye.

My Story: Edited

I am number three;
three of four to be exact.
The story goes like this:
I was broken-hearted,
trying to heal.
He made me laugh
and in time I could even feel.
I got too close,
things went too far.
Baby was born,
life was planned.
But love for him,
was something else.
I did the right thing,
but now I pay.
I pay for what I did
every single day.
I want him gone,
erased from our life-
but for now I deal,
I cope,
and I continue
to do the right thing.
One day the time will be right.
The time to explain
to my pride and joy.
But for now I smile
and play nice.
Because in time:
He will pay.

Don't Go Away

A little bit of debt,
and a lot of baggage.
But you have always,
always been there for me.

On the sidelines,
I call you to bat-
but only when
the time is right.

I never understood
the connection between us.
Not until now.
Not until these feelings overcame me.

I always knew the love was there.
I never knew it was to stay.
And now-
here I am scared to death—
that one day it will go away.

The lessons we have learned,
will benefit us greatly.
They are lessons
that some people never learn,
or they learn too late.

Squeeze too tight,
hold on too loosely.
Push too much,
Pull too hard.

Your imperfections, to me,
are perfection.
Everything you do is right.
Our arguments-
well they never escalate.
We are both passionate,
about our own beliefs.
But rational conversations,
and we see both sides.

I am always learning
always loving
always challenged
always laughing.

Squeeze too tight,
hold on too loosely.
Push too much,
Pull too hard.

I want to be everything-
you want, you need.
I want your trust
and your honesty.
I want your heart
and your love for only me.
For as long as you will let me-
And as whatever we want it to be.