This one is for you.

For you-there is nothing to describe my feelings

For you-there is no way for me to describe my love

There is no song,

No flower,

No poem,

No painting-

To describe the way you make me feel.

There is a connection so deep-

things mustn’t always be spoken

There is a connection so deep-

I sometimes feel what you need

With you-I want there to be no end

With you-I want to lay next to every night

There is no replacement

No other,

No better feeling,

No place I would rather be

With you, next to you, a part of you-please let it be for real.

Life, Love, and Questions

Oh the perils of life...and love..but happiness makes it worth it. Agree? I think so. 100%. I have been going through a "custody battle" (for lack of better terms) with my ex for almost two years now. I have the most amazing, smart, beautiful little boy ever..he makes me completely and utterly happy and fulfilled. He is 10000000+% worth the trouble--but somedays are so hard. Phone calls to attorneys, court, visitation--it kills me. Each day that I get to spend with my little man-all to myself-I am thankful. When he is not with me, it is incredibly hard. For now things have calmed down..key word "for now". :)

More on love-oh what a tremendous word. The meaning, the power, the feelings associated with it, the confusion that all goes with that word. I am a girl that has used that word somewhat frequently..before I really figured out what/who I actually loved and what real love actually feels like. I mean who knows..I'm 24. My thoughts on love could change in ten years. After tumultuous relationships, one becomes hardened to love-at least I feel that way. I am in love, I am loved, I am loving, and I love. This doesn't mean that certain things about love don't scare me, or certain things don't worry me. In my life right now--the terms boyfriend and girlfriend scare the hell out of me. The idea of being engaged or married makes me feel tied down. The feeling of being tied down makes me want to run far far away. Ok a little explanation..because of previous relationships the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" just lack meaning for me. I feel it's a way to show possessiveness and insecurity. "Oh this is my girlfriend" (Dude quit checking her out) "Hi this is my boyfriend" (Boyfriend replaces identity and name??) If a guy is checking me out-first of all I'm sure he realizes that guy standing next to me is with me. Second of all, are people afraid that if you don't mark your territory it will leave?? Don't you trust each other? For two years, my name was GIRLFRIEND. For four months, my name was FIANCEE. For two more years, I though I was a girlfriend--but I was known (of course I didn't know this) as a lesbian roommate. So yes--understandably this is a case of someone who was insecure and someone who obviously didn't care about me--but I don't ever want it to happen again. I'm sure blocking the whole idea out isn't the best thing to do, and maybe one day I will change--but for now, I know who I love- I trust who I love- and I don't need the label to know who I will be sleeping with/going home with.

Now let's address the tied down subject because it could definitely be taken the wrong way. I am completely, 100% interested in being with one person. A person that makes me incredibly happy, a person that I can tell anything to and pray they don't get mad (generally they don't because honesty is the best policy ;-) ), and a person that knows everything about me--and actually still loves me. (WOW!) The difference in this and being tied down is that there is no pressure to be married or engaged or anything like that. It is known/understood that happiness outweighs pressures of the traditional world. I don't want to be pressured or made to feel like marriage is pertinent to a relationship. Thirty is supposed to be the new twenty...so no pressure because that would mean twenties are like the new teenage years. :-) Maybe I am just contradicting myself here...just don't tell me I'm tied down. I'm free like a bird...in a cage..a bird in a cage with an open door--I just have no interest in flying out the door when the food is sooooo good. :-)

Last subject of the night--I don't want to become the jealous girl, or the needy girl, or the nagging girl--ever. I have trust, I am more want-y than needy, and I don't nag-I just care a lot. This being said..I still have days filled with worries. What if I'm not satisfying? How can I be perfect? What if someone's better? So when you know you've tried your hardest..at the end of the day..all you can say is I am perfect, I am satisfying, and no one is better than me. ;-)

The question of the night: Can things last, and can happiness remain without total, traditional commitment? For me..there are two choices. Give in to commitment, go for it, and pray things don't get stupid messy and I lose my best friend. Or the answer is yes..it can work and in time things may change but there is no pressure-and I get to keep my best friend.

Time will tell.

Satisfaction.

Fatal attraction

or ultimate satisfaction?

Sometimes you never know what

love has in store.

Is this good,

or is it bad?

Will it last

or might it fade?

These are things

I sometimes wonder.

But most of the time

I’m too happy to ponder.

For now I know

It does not matter.

Because my life is

full of happiness and laughter.

The future will reveal itself

It is nothing to worry about now.

The present is what we have

crazy thoughts-I do not allow.

My Story: Edited

I am number three;
three of four to be exact.
The story goes like this:
I was broken-hearted,
trying to heal.
He made me laugh
and in time I could even feel.
I got too close,
things went too far.
Baby was born,
life was planned.
But love for him,
was something else.
I did the right thing,
but now I pay.
I pay for what I did
every single day.
I want him gone,
erased from our life-
but for now I deal,
I cope,
and I continue
to do the right thing.
One day the time will be right.
The time to explain
to my pride and joy.
But for now I smile
and play nice.
Because in time:
He will pay.

One Simple Kiss

Is it love or is it lust?
My heart I do not trust.
The kisses and the butterflies,
and the way you look into my eyes.
You reach for my hand
and caress my hair.
I bare my soul for you.
It is right there.
I smile and giggle and laugh
like a child.
I can't remember the last time I felt this way,
Its has been awhile.
I shake and I shudder.
You call it complete bliss,
but how does all of this come from
one simple Kiss.
♥

The Best Friend

You ask me how I feel
I tell you everything inside
I feel like an idiot
because you can’t reciprocate
I get blown off
She comes over
Hey babe-talk to ya later
Who’s important now
Its not me
So tell me straight
Quit stepping around my feelings
the more you hold back
the more it hurts
Just break my heart
the way you did before
You know exactly what to do
I know you remember
Come on break it
Let me go, Let me let go
Get out of here.
Run away.
You know you want to
The sad thing is that its not her
But it will never be me
Will it?
The way you make me feel
The emotions, they overcome me
I’m no longer in control
I’ve lost control
You’re holding the reins
Drop them and get out of here
Tell her everythings ok
the girl you don’t like-
well she’s gone now
I left her in the cold.
I broke her heart.
I knew exactly what to do.
I can do it in the dark.

♥