This one is for you.

For you-there is nothing to describe my feelings

For you-there is no way for me to describe my love

There is no song,

No flower,

No poem,

No painting-

To describe the way you make me feel.

There is a connection so deep-

things mustn’t always be spoken

There is a connection so deep-

I sometimes feel what you need

With you-I want there to be no end

With you-I want to lay next to every night

There is no replacement

No other,

No better feeling,

No place I would rather be

With you, next to you, a part of you-please let it be for real.

Green Juice and more...

Ok so I finally bought a juicer. I got a cheap one at Target because I wasn't sure if I would even enjoy juicing and I'm a very very beginner. I hate to waste money so I think it was the best for me. I decided to make "Green Lemonade" by Natalia Rose's book. I like romaine lettuce, celery, apples, and lemons. I thought it would be great. Little did I realize-lack of research- that green juices would be sooooo disgusting!! So there I was..feeling like a raw failure. Big Big failure. I thought..I will never be able to drink this stuff..I can't even plug my nose and swallow. After wallowing in my sorrows of being a raw failure I decided I would wait a couple of days and try again.

So today I went to the grocery store and bought some more fresh veggies and fruits. I was completely out. I bought some greens for try #2. I just made my first green juice that I can stomach! Ok let me give details before I get too excited. Its not much green--but as much as I can currently stomach. I used two handfuls of spinach sludge (exactly what it looks like out of the juicer) and two stalks of celery. I thought that would be plenty of green sludge. Then I juiced two apples, one pear, and 2 carrots--just so I could get the green sludge down. So I do feel accomplished--but I have yet to conquer adding more green sludge. I will just keep adding a little more sludge and a little less fruit each time. Haha. Hopefully one day I will be more acclimated to drink it. Anyone have any not-so-disgusting beginner green juice recipes?? Feel free to share. I need the help.

My second accomplishment--nut butter and agave nectar on a sprouted grain bagel. Umm can you say delicious. I'm not so sure toasting a sprouted grain bagel= raw--actually I'm positive its not. But its better than a regular grocery store bagel covered in cream cheese. :-) And I am in love with them. I was really scared to try the almond butter. For one-Peter Pan and Jif's peanut butters lack the oily goop on top. I am a huge peanut butter fan. I used to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day. Now that I am reformed from mediocre eating habits, I have found something I like better. So after tasting the nut butter-I realized it definitely wasn't peanut butter, but it was pretty tasty. I can fool my taste buds into "fake peanut butter" as I like to call it.

So after a week of getting used to new things--I feel pretty good. I am enjoying the new things. I never thought I was a picky eater, but there are some things I can't stomach. Mainly certain textures. Hopefully I will get used to all of these wonderful recipes that I keep finding.

Life, Love, and Questions

Oh the perils of life...and love..but happiness makes it worth it. Agree? I think so. 100%. I have been going through a "custody battle" (for lack of better terms) with my ex for almost two years now. I have the most amazing, smart, beautiful little boy ever..he makes me completely and utterly happy and fulfilled. He is 10000000+% worth the trouble--but somedays are so hard. Phone calls to attorneys, court, visitation--it kills me. Each day that I get to spend with my little man-all to myself-I am thankful. When he is not with me, it is incredibly hard. For now things have calmed down..key word "for now". :)

More on love-oh what a tremendous word. The meaning, the power, the feelings associated with it, the confusion that all goes with that word. I am a girl that has used that word somewhat frequently..before I really figured out what/who I actually loved and what real love actually feels like. I mean who knows..I'm 24. My thoughts on love could change in ten years. After tumultuous relationships, one becomes hardened to love-at least I feel that way. I am in love, I am loved, I am loving, and I love. This doesn't mean that certain things about love don't scare me, or certain things don't worry me. In my life right now--the terms boyfriend and girlfriend scare the hell out of me. The idea of being engaged or married makes me feel tied down. The feeling of being tied down makes me want to run far far away. Ok a little explanation..because of previous relationships the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" just lack meaning for me. I feel it's a way to show possessiveness and insecurity. "Oh this is my girlfriend" (Dude quit checking her out) "Hi this is my boyfriend" (Boyfriend replaces identity and name??) If a guy is checking me out-first of all I'm sure he realizes that guy standing next to me is with me. Second of all, are people afraid that if you don't mark your territory it will leave?? Don't you trust each other? For two years, my name was GIRLFRIEND. For four months, my name was FIANCEE. For two more years, I though I was a girlfriend--but I was known (of course I didn't know this) as a lesbian roommate. So yes--understandably this is a case of someone who was insecure and someone who obviously didn't care about me--but I don't ever want it to happen again. I'm sure blocking the whole idea out isn't the best thing to do, and maybe one day I will change--but for now, I know who I love- I trust who I love- and I don't need the label to know who I will be sleeping with/going home with.

Now let's address the tied down subject because it could definitely be taken the wrong way. I am completely, 100% interested in being with one person. A person that makes me incredibly happy, a person that I can tell anything to and pray they don't get mad (generally they don't because honesty is the best policy ;-) ), and a person that knows everything about me--and actually still loves me. (WOW!) The difference in this and being tied down is that there is no pressure to be married or engaged or anything like that. It is known/understood that happiness outweighs pressures of the traditional world. I don't want to be pressured or made to feel like marriage is pertinent to a relationship. Thirty is supposed to be the new twenty...so no pressure because that would mean twenties are like the new teenage years. :-) Maybe I am just contradicting myself here...just don't tell me I'm tied down. I'm free like a bird...in a cage..a bird in a cage with an open door--I just have no interest in flying out the door when the food is sooooo good. :-)

Last subject of the night--I don't want to become the jealous girl, or the needy girl, or the nagging girl--ever. I have trust, I am more want-y than needy, and I don't nag-I just care a lot. This being said..I still have days filled with worries. What if I'm not satisfying? How can I be perfect? What if someone's better? So when you know you've tried your hardest..at the end of the day..all you can say is I am perfect, I am satisfying, and no one is better than me. ;-)

The question of the night: Can things last, and can happiness remain without total, traditional commitment? For me..there are two choices. Give in to commitment, go for it, and pray things don't get stupid messy and I lose my best friend. Or the answer is yes..it can work and in time things may change but there is no pressure-and I get to keep my best friend.

Time will tell.

Vegetarianism

So today I would consider myself 100% vegetarian, and 50% raw/vegan. I had my morning smoothie for breakfast..I have become addicted to that and the first thing I do when I wake up is bust out the blender. For lunch I wanted to try out an acorn squash. I couldn't figure out what to do with it. First I cut it in half...looked like a pumpkin to me. I dug out the seeds and then attempted to puree it raw. Well I ended up with this applesauce texture..which I can't stand. So I didn't want to waste the whole thing..oh what to do! Here's where I lost my vegan/rawness for the day. I added a tablespoon of milk, some nutmeg, cinnamon, and a tablespoon of brown sugar. Ugh. I was sad to lose it at lunch because I am generally stronger than that but I didn't know what else to do. Well anyway it made a good pumpkin pie like soup. I probably won't eat it again until I can find a better way to do it, but that was my experience. For dinner-wheat pasta, squash, and broccoli. So that is why today I am only 50% vegan/raw--but tomorrow will be better.

On a more positive note--I had an amazing workout today! I found a new setting on the elliptical that kind of coached you through a cardio workout by telling you to go a certain mph, or to use your arms more, or just use your legs..I stayed on for an hour just because I was having so much fun doing it. I didn't get in any weights but my cardio was great.

All in all good day. :-)

Raw-Tastrophe

Ok so my workout yesterday...killer. The workout itself was a normal, strenuous, workout. 45 minutes of intense cardio split between the elliptical and the rowing machine...followed by 20 minutes of light weights. Nothing crazy.

So after rowing, I noticed I was sweating much more than usual. I was also getting tired already. Then I got on the elliptical...I was pouring sweat and my muscles were aching. Weird. I cut it short by 5 minutes so that I could for sure get in my weights. I did make it through my weights, but I felt like death. I wanted food. BAD. Luckily my gym is located in the same parking lot as my favorite grocery store. I knew I needed bananas (3 bunches)-so I went. Mangoes were on sale because they weren't full ripe. $0.69 each--what a steal. I was craving green onions and fresh cilantro--delish. I forgot cucumbers the previous shopping day--and I really wanted some. And I also picked up some frozen fruit--because not much is actually in season.

As soon as I got home I ate my celery with avocado dip and a cucumber sandwich. Mmmm...I finally started feeling better...until insomnia kicked in. Wow. What a day!

Lesson learned--eat enough to sustain body for workout!

Satisfaction.

Fatal attraction

or ultimate satisfaction?

Sometimes you never know what

love has in store.

Is this good,

or is it bad?

Will it last

or might it fade?

These are things

I sometimes wonder.

But most of the time

I’m too happy to ponder.

For now I know

It does not matter.

Because my life is

full of happiness and laughter.

The future will reveal itself

It is nothing to worry about now.

The present is what we have

crazy thoughts-I do not allow.

Oooooklahoma

So I was thinking today..Oklahoma definitely needs a juice bar (other than Jamba Juice). Wouldn't that be a great thing to own? Something to open people's eyes about health benefits of organic fruits and veggies, and to bring all of my fellow vegetarians together. Oklahoma is definitely a majority of meat eaters. People love their prime steak houses around here. I am reading a book called "Ecoholic"..well by reading I mean that I've flipped through about a dozen times and gathered tons of helpful information. Its a wonderful book and has great ideas for eco-friendly makeup all the way to eco-friendly home decor and furnishings. I have always loved the idea of an eco-friendly house- maybe not 100% but definitely lots of different touches like bamboo flooring (gorgeous!) to recycled glass backsplashes and countertops. I love the look of recycled glass mosaics and its great to look at that stuff and think "Wow! That used to be a wine bottle, coke bottle, mayo jar, etc."

Coffee with mom and friend went great..I have a new addiction: Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte. Starbucks is my best friend- hence the reason I am not 100% raw/vegan. I know I could give it up, but I have yet to muster up the desire to. Its such a wonderful thing! I think maybe the atmosphere of Starbucks is what I love so much. I love "going to grab a coffee" with a friend. Which is why we need a juice bar! I could go "grab a juice" with a friend.

It is such a beautiful day outside! I am looking forward to my little man getting up so we can go enjoy some sunshine/vitamin D! It has been so cold recently and cold weather makes me grumpy. I'm in definite need of a dog park/kid park day. I love dogs--well the idea of having a dog at least--and going to the dog park lets me pretend I have one for a little bit.

Well I am sure there will be more rambling later. It is one of my favorite pasttimes.

<3

Raw/Vegan Journey

Well--so far, so good. I think I am at about 70-80% raw/vegan right now. Yesterday I made my morning smoothie, had an amazing salad with a sweet citrus dressing I made, and for dinner I had tostados (the tostado shell was my exception for the day). I found this amazing recipe for ice cream on Raw on $10 a day's blog. I love that blog! I made chocolate ice cream, and even attempted her fudge sauce. I either used the wrong type of olive oil, or haven't grown accustomed to new flavors--but I almost got sick just smelling it. I think I will try again with something in place of the olive oil. I can't even stand the smell of that stuff.Other than that--life is great. I had an AMAZING workout yesterday. Rowing, elliptical, and an ab workout from Shape magazine. I needed the escape and the major sweat session.

Today my mom and I are going to coffee with a friend who I grew close to because of our similar eating disorders. I emailed her back and forth while she was in the hospital. I was a total stranger to her, but we clicked really well and now at least once a year we have coffee. She's a beautiful young woman and I pray she is "healed".

I also finished my party postcards last night. I am really happy with how they turned out. We are having a big party in April to celebrate my graduation from college, my parent's 25th wedding anniversary, and my brothers graduation from high school. Its a big year for our family.

So I am going to make a big poster board of "What I Want" soon. I have a list of wants that range from material things to life things. (My #1 want right now is a juicer!!) I think it is good to make lists or posters of wants and needs--it gives you a sense of accomplishment when you attain some or all of these things.

<3

Smoothie Sensation

So I am trying new things this year. Eating raw has really started to interest me. I have always been interested in healthy foods and healthy eating. I was a vegetarian for a long time, but after I had my son I started eating chicken and fish a lot. I always felt bloated and lethargic after I ate. This could have been an issue with portion control--I am not blaming it on the meat. I have already decided to go back to vegetarianism--but this time I want to do it right. Before I would choose unhealthy alternatives to meat. A lot of pasta, grilled cheese, french fries..etc.

Lately I have been eating a lot of fresh fruits and veggies (lately as in the last two weeks). I have also been frequenting the gym. I love working out and I love how I feel after a great sweaty workout. I have always loved yoga and pilates, but my new obsession is rowing. It is a wonderful full body workout.

So this morning, I tried something new. I read something about how frozen bananas make an ice cream-like consistency. So I made a smoothie using fresh mango, kiwi, frozen bananas, and frozen peaches with a little bit of water. It was absolutely amazing. The only downfall was how filling it was. I think it would make a better lunch option.

As I continue to read more and more into raw eating, I get even more intrigued. I also read "Clean" by Alejandor Junger M.D.. Is it really that simple? I mean, you have problems--whether they be depression, stomach pains, etc.--and you follow his simple plan. It sounds surreal to me. I want to do it, but I will have to ease into it. I am not a depressed person nor do I have any sort of stomach pains--but I want the euphoric feeling of a healthy, nourished body.

I will continue to blog as I get more and more into these things. Like I said, I am easing into this new things because I don't want to shock my body. I workout pretty strenuously and have low blood sugar so I am a little nervous. But we will see...

So far the new year has been great...8 days in. I'm happier than ever (although still looking for a job) and enjoying learning new things outside of school.

Happy 2010

Oh how my family always turns something so ordinary into a comedy. Let's recap how I spent the first few seconds of my New Year's.

I hear "Jess! Jess! Jess! Hurry up!" [I was in my mom's room] As I run down the hall, I can hear the countdown "5, 4, 3, 2..." As soon as the countdown reaches two, I turn the corner and BAM! I fall flat on my face right on the living room floor. I am laughing so hard right now...I lift my head off of the ground and scream "Happy New Year" in between my rolling laughter.

What a great beginning!

Midnight Ramblings

I sit here, alone..in the living room on "my couch". My mind is racing with thoughts. I can't sleep, and generally when I can't sleep I choose to gorge myself with horrible food. I got up and made myself some hot tea, the sound of "Family Man" is quietly playing in the background. I am a strong-willed woman and turned down the horrible food..opted for a nice carrot instead. The hot tea will warm my belly and ease my racing mind.

I have chosen to make a few non- New Year's resolutions. I started yesterday actually. There is no need to wait until January 1 to make changes. These resolutions are:

-Eat Healthy (be a vegetarian again-because it makes me happy, not because it's a fun fad)

-Drink plenty of water (I have a diet coke addiction)

-Take care of myself (Most mothers tend to put themselves last-which explains why I never got around to taking a shower today ;-) )

-And last...but most important..Love fully. This includes my son, my family, myself, my friends, and anyone else that crosses my path.

These non- New Year's resolutions go along with something else in my life...my non-boyfriend, best friend. I've grown cold in the past few years- cold to love and openness, and prepared for hurt and pain. Trying to get my life together..although I wouldn't call it a mess..just a bumpy road. Lately I have been losing faith in doing the right things. Once again, being strong-willed, I continue to tell myself to stay positive- always do the right thing. I feel like I always do the right thing, make the right choices, say the right things. I have always been the pleasing type-since young childhood. I play nice to people I don't exactly care for, just because I know its the right thing to do. Pasting a smile on my face and pretending the past is unimportant.

A few things I have learned in 2009-

-naivety can be taken as stupidity

-ask advice from friends or non-boyfriends before doing/saying things you are uncertain about

-know what you want before saying "I will"

-always be 120% honest..especially when its the hardest thing to do

-the safe bet isn't always the best bet

-history repeats itself..unless you're willing to change it

I have a wonderful life. I am a peacekeeper. I am loved. I am happy.

...and I am welcoming the New Year. Happy almost 2010!

Love Game

She loves with all of her heart,
then abruptly takes it away.
Maybe it’s just a little game
that she likes to play.
She catches them with her eye
latches on like a snake.
Teaches them a lesson-
a lesson of love
a lesson of life
a rule of the game
And then she let’s go
“It’s time for you to fly.”
Always running back,
to the one that caught her eye.